CHEAP GOODS: an auction adventure

performed at The 2004 Winnipeg Fringe Festival

The 2004 Winnipeg Fringe Festival will feature CHEAP GOODS: an auction adventure, a play written by Talia Pura, directed by Jessica Burleson, and starring Talia Pura and Jeff Skinner. The play was performed at the Gallery, 55 Arthur Street, throughout the Fringe Winnipeg Festival (July 14 – 25, 2004).

Cheap Goods is about life in a rural auction house. Jeff and Talia play multiple characters in this one hour comedy. Each performance ends with a live auction. It’s the audience’s chance to take home the props.

Comedy. 60 minutes. 1 female. 1 male.

Written and produced by Talia Pura
Directed by Jessica Burleson

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Excerpt

Cheap Goods © Talia Pura

This excerpt may not be used for any purpose whatsoever. Rights to produce, in whole or in part, by any group, amateur or professional, are retained by the author.

Bonnie: Here’s your lunch.

Bob: Thanks. I’m going to take it with me. I’m picking up Ed and
we’re going to load up the Klassen estate.

Bonnie: The guy they stuck in the old folk’s home last week?

Bob: Yeah. The escrow order came through. We can pick it up now.

Bonnie: Any idea how much stuff there will be?

Bob: Probably a lot. His nephew said that his basement hasn’t been
cleaned out since he bought the house right after the war.

Bonnie: The war?

Bob: Yup. WW II.

Bonnie: That makes sense, now.

Bob: What does?

Bonnie: He belongs to the United Church.

Bob: So?

Bonnie: The United Church. It only came to town because of all the
guys that were kicked out of their own churches when they
came back from the war.

Bob: You’re kidding, right?

Bonnie: Ahh, the things you have left to learn about Mennonites.

Bob: They kicked the returning soldiers out of their churches?

Bonnie: “Excommunicated” them. Should never have gone to war in the
first place. Pacifists, remember?

Bob: Right, of course. One more reason my war hero daddy had
problems with me marrying a nice little Mennonite girl.

Bonnie: He didn’t even know about that part. He just thought you were
nuts for marrying someone that ran a junk shop in the middle of
nowhere.

Bob: Junk! You used the word junk!

Bonnie: I didn’t.

Bob: I’ve waited ten years to hear you use the word junk.

Bonnie: I never! That was his word.

Bob: He never did. You just called it junk.

Bonnie: Well, go pick up the Klassen junk. Do you need my help?

Bob: Naw, Ed and me’ll be fine. Junk lady.

Bonnie: Get out of here.

(Bob exits. Bonnie picks up the phone)

Bonnie: Hello Mrs. Drieger?… This is Bonnie from West Acres. You
called last night?… No, I’m sorry we don’t have any windows
in right now…. You never know. Someone could bring some in
soon… I have no idea what size they would be if some came in!
What kind were you looking for?… Uh huh. Look, if you need
a specific size, you’d be better off ordering it new… I know,
but you can’t always save money on everything. Winter is
coming sooner or later. You’re going to need glass in the
picture window in your living room. Yeah, the mosquitoes are
awful this year. Have you thought about putting up plastic, even
temp-…..Uh huh, I know, baseballs are much harder than beach
balls.. yes …. Okay, bye for now, Mrs. Drieger….Uh huh, yes,
boys will be boys…Oh, the neighbour’s boys? Well, get them –
… I don’t have a number off hand, no. You could look them up
in the phone book…Under lawyers, that’s right…No, in the
yellow pages….Okay, Good luck, Mrs. Drieger, bye for now
…Oh, sorry, Mrs. Dreiger, ( rings the bell) I have to help a
customer right now. I’ve got to go…Uh huh, okay, bye-bye.
(hangs up, sighs. Looks at note pad, is about to dial another
number, changes her mind, hangs up again. Exits)

(Paul enters the shop.)

Paul: Oh, this is so cool. This is so neat. Come in here Ruth, you
won’t be sorry. This is a good one. Was it mentioned in the
guidebook?

Ruth: (enters, obviously bored with the whole thing) I don’t know.

Paul: Oh, thank you for letting us stop here, honey. I’m having such a
nice trip.

Ruth: Yes, Paul.

Paul: You’re having fun, too, aren’t you, Ruth?

Ruth: Yes, Paul, lots of fun. (offers check for him to kiss)

Paul: Oh, look at this. I haven’t seen one of these since I was a kid.

Ruth: Well, we’ve come a long way since then, haven’t we?

Paul: It brings back a lot of memories, though.

Ruth: Oh no, you don’t. Don’t even think it.

Paul: Ahh, Ruthie.

Ruth: No way, not one more thing.

Paul: But, dear –

Ruth: Not one more old camera, no depression glassware, no cigar
boxes and especially no household appliances.

Paul: But Ruth, you know what the therapist –

Ruth: Don’t you dare pull that one on me.

Paul: Well, he did say that –

Ruth: He said that I should show an interest –

Paul: (hurt) Yes, show an interest in my hobbies.

Ruth: Yes, show an interest. Oh yes, that’s very interesting. Very
nice, dear, yes. That’s VERY interesting. But he didn’t say
anything about letting you actually bring any more junk home.

Paul: Junk? Ruth. I resent your tone of voice. This is a finely crafted
household item. Made in the mid-fifties, I would say, later mass
produced in a more durable plastic, of course, but never
replicated in terms if it’s design –

Ruth: ARRRGGG!!!! (exits)

Paul: The sleek sweeping lines, subtly rounded edges, rounded yes,
but still crisp and clean. Feel that texture, so smooth, so
soothing to the touch. I can smell the fresh orange juice. Pinned
to the bed by the patchwork quilt on those chilly autumn
mornings, mom tickling me out of my pajamas, dad having his
first cigarette of the day, just before breakfast, Rover licking
my bare toes when they first touch the cold floor, having to pee
so bad, I could have –

Bonnie: (enters) Can I help you?

Paul: I’ll take this.

Bonnie: Sure, let me wrap it up for you.

Paul: Sorry, Ruth, I have to have this. It will be the last one, I
promise, I do. I – (turns, sees that Ruth has left) Ruth? Ahh,
ahh, could you hurry, please?

Bonnie: Is something wrong?

Paul: No, no, I just have to go now. How much is that?

Bonnie: Forty-four, ninety-five. (he throws her money, grabs the bag
and exits)

Paul: Bye.

Bonnie: But this is too much. I don’t need – (he’s gone. She shrugs, puts
away the cash)

(Bonnie picks up the phone) Hello, Mr. Peters. Hi, it’s Bonnie
from West Acres. Bob told me you called yesterday. You
wanted some information on having a sale?… We take 15%. …
Well, we can’t do it for free can we?… Sorry, it’s 15%. ….
Well, it’s up to you. If you want to hold your own sale, you go
right ahead….Yes, maybe you can do it better…. Right….It is
basically just singing the words and sort of yodeling… You just
go for it, Mr. Peters.

Bob: (staggers in ) Ahhh…

Bonnie: Bob! What happened to you?

Bob: Ahhh…

Bonnie: What is it? What’s wrong? (she checks for the source of blood
on his forehead)

Bob: It just blew up!

Bonnie: What? What blew up?

Bob: The Klassen basement.

Bonnie: The Klassen basement blew up?

Bob: One minute Ed and me were throwing stuff out the window and
the next minute, KABOOM! Half the basement wall was gone.

Bonnie: How come? (goes for the first aid kit)

Bob: I told you that old Mr. Klassen was in the war.

Bonnie: Uh huh.

Bob: He took home a souvenir.

Bonnie: You’re kidding!

Bob: Yup – No, no I’m not kidding. He had an unexploded hand
grenade in a canvass knapsack, which had been sitting in his
basement since 1945. I just picked it up, tossed it out the
basement window and kaboom; it exploded when it hit the
ground.

Bonnie: You could have been killed.

Bob: The basement wall absorbed the hit.

Bonnie: All that flying glass and concrete! (puts band aid on his
forehead)

Bob: Got lucky. The blast threw me clear of it. One hell of a bruise
on my ass though, I’ll bet.

Bonnie: Poor baby. (goes to check and touches his ass)

Bob: Ouch!

Bonnie: And his nephew didn’t think to warn you it was there? Or had
never gotten rid of it?

Bob: Guess not, he probably didn’t even know it was there.

Bonnie: How’s Ed?

Bob: He’s not hurt at all. He was on the other side of the basement
when it blew.

Bonnie: Is the truck okay?

Bob: Yeah. Good thing it was still in the street. I was going to get
everything up on the lawn before backing it up to the house.

Bonnie: Well. This wasn’t as bad as it looked. Are you hurt anywhere
else?

Bob: Naw, I’m fine.

Bonnie: Are you going to finish tomorrow?

Bob: No way. I left Ed there. I just came back for some rope. Now
that there’s a hole in the wall, we can haul out the big pieces
instead of carrying them up the stairs.

Bonnie: Oh. I think that there is some in the back.(exits) Or check under
the counter.

(Add lib – both off stage)

Bonnie: (off stage) Be careful. You never know what else is down there.

(Bob reenters from the back room)

Bob: I’ll see you later. (exits)